145. DO NOT….I repeat…DO NOT under ANY circumstances leave your daughter alone with a paint pen….ESPECIALLY when you KNOW she loves makeup.
I give you, exhibit A : (I should have learned from this incident)
and then….Exhibit B…and yes…that is PAINT.
144. I once got rejected by an art gallery director..(well, maybe more than once,) one rejection particularly bothered me…these were the top three support responses…
1. (from your dad) ”Stupid hoity-toity tea-baggers.”
2. (from your aunt) “THOSE IGNORANT FUCKS!”
3. (from my buddy) “Want me to bring you a sheet cake to eat?”
143. (I am sick as a dog on the couch)
Me: What did the kids have for dinner ?
Dad: Banana Splits
142. Nutella is made form Unicorns…and rainbows….and magic….the following things are made better by adding it….
1. spread on or melted in Rice Krispy Treats
2. blended in with vanilla frosting and used to frost a cake.
3. on toast
4. stirred into coffee….mmmm
5. melted over ice cream
6. slathered on a warm biscuit
7. slathered on sourdough
8. slathered on croissant
9. poured onto a cheesecake.
10. slathered onto pancakes with blueberries
11. stirred into waffle batter
12. as a dip for marshmallows.
13. dip for fruit.
14. dip for salty french fries ( trust me)
15. dip for saltine crackers.
16. dressing for graham crackers.
17. stirred into chocolate cake batter.
18. blended into pudding then frozen.
19. as a dip for almost ANY cookie.
20. the finishing role in a peanut butter and jelly menage a trois.
21. on a bagle.
22. blended into a berry smoothie.
23. as a dip for spoons.
24. crepe filling
25. slathered on bananas and frozen.
26. on French Toast
27. stirred into oatmeal (trust me)
28. blended with mascarpone cheese and eaten by the spoonful….OMG…I need a moment.
141. Do not….I repeat, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances tell your 2 1/2 year old that you are “digging for treasure” while you are cleaning out the cat box.
140. Remember, kids don’t sugar coat anything….even in their own language…
while I was getting dressed….
Kid #3 : “mom….you have floppy bubbles.”
Me: :hangs head: ”I know.”
..sometimes …in a battle of bacteria, a playlist is in order….
139. Me: Cake is superior to Pie.
Dad: Pie kicks Cakes ass.
(remember who makes your lunch)
137. My Little Ponies are horses dressed in drag.
…and this alien is about to have his weave pulled….
136. There is this phenomenon known as “the church giggles.” They will strike at the most inopportune time…just let it happen…..
Example:
”hello, I am your new dental hygenist…..Melody GOODHEAD”
I couldn’t take it….I laughed….a LOT. She stared…..I then continued to giggle while she was cleaning my teeth……for the next hour….
135. When you have kids, you will celebrate milestones…some will make you happy…..and some….will make you afraid……very very afraid…..
Wiping your own booty is a milestone that causes visions of dysentery to dance in your parents head…..it is so scary, I can’t even talk about it out loud. A 5-year-old alone in the bathroom with his own “business” is scarier than Jack Nicholson in the shining.
134. Sometimes more IS better….
also: Rubber duck warfare is a very serious business….
133. Sometimes, even Flat Stanley needs a pull off the ol’ vodka bottle….
